What lies beneath – Becoming emotionally curious during Covid-19
Right now we are in unprecedented times and for many this means unprecedented emotional experiences, unusual feelings and unfamiliar responses. Last week I shared this excellent article, ‘The Discomfort you’re feeling is Grief’ which offered some insight into what people may be feeling. Here I want to dive deeper into some of what we’re feeling and seeing in others. Why are so many people than ever ranting online? Why are people judgemental and critical of the behaviour of others? Why do people react more angrily to things than they usually would?
My friend Jen Hodgins wrote this great article Navigating 'Anything but Normal' - 10(mostly) Practical Tips of which tip no. 1 was Get Emotionally Curious. I believe there are two benefits to getting emotionally curious and looking beneath the surface of our emotional experience:
1. Naming our feelings is essential for managing them. I will be proposing that sometimes what we’re feeling is a secondary feeling and there is a primary feeling beneath. If we can identify what we’re really feeling and then we have a greater ability to manage it, otherwise we’re reacting to the symptoms.
2. We are more likely to respond unhelpfully or behave disproportionately when we don’t recognise where a feeling is coming from. Understanding what we’re really feeling and what causes it can help us avoid unhelpful responses towards others and help us behave more proportionally.
How can we become more emotionally curious?
In becoming emotionally curious we need to be aware of the internal processes which may be happening below our own emotional radar, in particular, displacement of feelings and the idea of primary and secondary feelings.
1. Displacement of feelings. Some of our responses towards people, things or authority may be displaced feelings, emotions that we direct towards something other than the real source. A simple example is someone who is upset with their boss but who can’t express that and takes it out on those at home in the evening. With Covid-19 there is no human perpetrator to blame and no-one to fight or punish. We cannot seek retribution, so any feelings of anger or frustration have to go somewhere else. When someone gets too close to us in the supermarket, our children misbehave or our colleague posts something online we don’t like, it’s easy for our anger and frustration to find an outlet there. We find ourselves angry or outraged about something that we would usually brush off. I have noticed more people than ‘ranting’ on social media about the behaviour of others. Of course, it is a good thing to be promoting responsible behaviours at this time but the tone of many of these is righteous indignation and anger. I suspect that this could be anger about Covid-19 and being locked down which is finding an outlet in the behaviour of others.
2. Primary and secondary emotions. Sometimes the feelings we experience are not our primary emotions, they are a secondary response and, to some extent, a defence against something we cannot tolerate. Many people would rather feel angry than powerless or helpless. Many people are living in great fear right now, fear for their health or the health of those they care about, or fear about their financial situation. Feeling powerless or helpless is a very difficult place to be. Anger gives us the illusion of potency and is more powerful energetically. It feels better to go online and get angry about behaviour of others than to sit with our own fear or powerlessness. Anger and righteous indignation make us feel more solid and powerful.
The Covid-19 virus acts in ways that makes us feel helpless. It does not discriminate based on religion, prosperity, social status, political leanings or geographic location. Although this virus is microscopic, our experience is that we are small and the virus is big. Feeling helpless is painful so we try to exert control where we can by hoarding toilet paper or tinned tomatoes. Being careful about distancing and social contact can be an unconscious acknowledgement of our vulnerability and some people would rather show bravado and recklessness when this is too painful.
So what?
For me there are two take-aways here, one with self and one with others.
1. With ourselves. It is important to remember that our feelings and emotions are complex and multi-layered and right now more so than ever. Now is a good time to pause before reacting. Giving ourselves time before responding online or replying to a colleague provides space to be curious about our feelings. Sitting with something can bring insight and clarity. Maybe the anger towards that person or situation is really mild annoyance and deserves to be treated as such. This is easy to write about and less easy to do so we need to be kind and compassionate to ourselves if it's a struggle.
2. With others. The feelings of others are also complex multi-layered and they may react with anger or indignation that is disproportionate. We might remember that there could be something else beneath their feelings. When I read someone online ranting I try to remind myself that they might just be feeling helpless or terribly afraid. This changes my feeling towards them and I feel more compassion. My own response is less likely to involve lashing out with vitriol. Sometimes, of course, we can't do this and the emotions of others affect us personally, and in which case, see no. 1.
In short
I believe what we need right now is to be kind to ourselves and others. We are in this together and we bring our messy, complicated emotional selves. The Covid-19 pandemic and it's repercussions affect us deeply and our emotional responses can be surprising and out of proportion. If we can pause a little longer and recognise there is more beneath the surface then we may find ways to respond that are more helpful for us all.